Dog Waits To Go Out While Mob War Rages and Pumpkin Crop Fails

Snow’s Cut — Molly, the dog, discovered yesterday that she is not the center of her moms’ world. Much to her dismay, Molly found herself sitting by the door with her legs crossed waiting anxiously for someone to take her out to pee.
The cat, Benjamin Franklin, rubbed tauntingly against Molly’s front legs purring as she had recently come inside from a jaunt about the complex before the sun sank over the river. Molly whined at the door and looked expectantly toward where her mothers’ were perched in the living room — one bent on feeding the world with her massive international farming complexes and the other bent on destroying international crime syndicates that threaten her on a daily basis.

Molly sat by the door waiting.

Janine MacCullers was reported as saying, “She is your dog. You take her out.”

Annie MacCullers, her wife of five years reportedly answered, “She is our dog, and I just took her out. I have to harvest these pumpkins and get them to market before they die.”

“Well, mafias don’t run themselves. If these SOBs want to start a war with me, I have got to hit them fast and hard so they will think twice about doing it again. You took the dog out four hours ago.”

Benjamin Franklin purred, rubbing her tail under Molly’s nose. Molly’s hind legs shook helplessly.
The two MacCullers sat in their living room, one sprawled on the couch and the other in the recliner. After a hard day of work, the two women stated that computer games soothed away the stress of the day. The couple would not disclose how long they stalled before getting up to go to the door, nor would they state who it was who actually gave in and got up, but Molly reportedly burst out as the door was opened for the pizza man.

Eventually, the dog returned home reportedly smelling like swamp gas and pork rinds. The couple is drafting gaming rules to provide for the needs of their pets, cooking dinner, going to work and taking showers.

There has been no report as to Benjamin Franklin’s reaction to this new agreement.

Come Out, Come Out and BE who you are!

Samantha Culpepper’s coming out last night at the surprise party they gave for her at the Fire Fly Country Club on NC Highway 97. The party that was in the planning stages for nearly a year was quite a feat to pull off according to neighbor Hildebrand Adams.

“Gene and Ruth pulled out all the stops to celebrate Sam’s acknowledgement of what they knew since she was in the third grade.” Adams stated that, the Culpepper’s had been waiting for Sam to acknowledge her status as a lesbian for herself.
After she told them last year that her “roommate” of 8 years was actually her girlfriend, they were elated they could finally “call a spade a spade,” Mr. Culpepper stated.
Adams went on to say that, “Its hard to celebrate important occasions and anniversaries for their daughter and her ‘roommate.’”
Adam’s said that Mrs. Culpepper has complained more than once that she would like to get them couples presents for holidays, but it is just so awkward to purchase daughter and roommate presents.
Samantha Culpepper’s best friend from middle school, Andi Williams (no relation to the singer), stated that invitations had been sent all over the United States and Canada for the event. As guests arrived, the Culpepper’s put up the out of town guests at the Fire Fly Inn.
Sam’s first grade teacher, Evelyn Baker reportedly travelled the farthest to attend the event. Baker who resides on a potato farm on Prince Edward Island, Canada flew in especially for the event. “I have been waiting for this event for years,” the retired teacher said. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!”
Emilee St. Marie, Samantha’s “roommate” and finally acknowledged long time girlfriend, was part of the planning from the start. “Mom (referring to Ruth Culpepper) and I decided that we should spring the surprise on Sam’s first anniversary of officially coming out.”
“She would never suspect anything when we asked her to meet us at the country club for dinner,” Ruth added excitedly. “She was very surprised.”
Over 150 friends, family and “family” members attended the event. Margie Newhurst, owner of the Fire Fly, stated that this was the biggest event in Lizard Lick since the premier of the Shirley’s towing business on “All Worked Up,” which airs on TruTV.
Samantha Culpepper, local attorney and surprise party recipient, admitted that she was totally blown away by the event. “It’s not everyday that your parents celebrate your coming out as a lesbian. It was so amazing to finally slow dance with Emilee in public for the first time.”
Several locals thought the party would go down in history as the event of the year. One elderly man who did not want to be named stated that “it is about damn time that Sam did right by her girlfriend. This roommate business is just non-sense and that’s all.”
Mrs. Culpepper stated that she hoped the two women would now turn Emilee’s ridiculous fake bedroom into a nursery.

“You Say Mullet Like It’s a Bad Thing”

A Leland couple has finally resolved their long standing argument over the haircut, the mullet. This haircut is characterized by long hair in the back of the head and short hair on the sides and in the front. The couple has been arguing over the fashionable merits of the mullet hairstyle since they first met in 1994.
After they married six years ago, they decided to resolve this argument once and for all, and that decision led the couple to research and write their latest ebook, You Say Mullet Like It’s a Bad Thing, about this much maligned hairstyle.
Deirdre and Karen Smythe of Leland, NC, sat down with me at a local Moravian hot spot to delve into the subject. They found that the one subject that once polarized their usually amicable relationship, the mullet, was not so polarizing after all.
We ordered our lunch, Deirdre ordered sauerkraut and sausage, while Karen had kalbsschnitzel and spaetzel, and I had a salad. Deirdre began the conversation.
Deirdre, who had always been pro-mullet stated, “You know the saying, ‘business in the front; party in the back?’ It describes the mullet hairstyle perfectly. It once was stereotyped as a lesbian hairstyle in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the hairstyle has a long and distinguished history going back fifteen hundred years.”
Karen, who was militantly against anything mullet in their long standing argument, added, “yes, but women were treated as property from the beginning of time until the Nineteenth Amendment was passed in 1920, but clearly treating women like property wasn’t right now was it?”
“Well, there was that much argued period where the Amazon’s dominated Asia Minor,” Dierdre countered.
“And the ratings on CBS and then ABC in the late seventies,” interjected Karen, she smiled at her wife of 6 years, clearly ribbing her mate.
Deirdre winced as she had a bite of the sauerkraut. Deirdre gave her wife a withering glare before she continued, “As I was saying, the mullet was first recorded by Procopius, the 6th century Byzantine historian, who wrote Secret History.”
“Yes, but that work was no Sailing to Byzantium, and I assure you Yeats did not sport the mullet.”
“Yes, but Procopius wrote about an elite group of warriors who opposed the Romans and nearly conquerd them. They differentiated themselves with this hairstyle. This group was called the Massagetae, and then later, they were called the Huns. Imagine, Attila the Hun probably had a Mullet.”
“And what happend to Attila?”
“He died.”
“Of Alcoholism,” Karen stated emphatically.
“That is a damn lie!” Deirdre shouted. “Concocted by his enemies to discredit him! He most likely was assassinated!”
“That is mere supposition!”
“At any rate, the mullet is a very old hairstyle,” I interjected.
On this statement, they both agreed. Once the women regained their composure, they continued their conversation.
Deirdre continued recounting the mullet’s history, “If we fast forward to current times, the mullet was resurrected in the 1960’s. Florence Henderson had one in The Brady Bunch, David Cassidy in The Partridge Family and Paul McCartney had one when he was with ‘Wings.’”
At this Karen chimed in, “Yes, and the ‘Beastie Boys’ made a very negative song about it. Don’t forget the famous ‘mullet head’ comment on Cheers.”
The couple remained on opposite sides of the “mullet” argument until recently when Karen stumbled upon a news story concerning the haircut.
“It was revolutionary quite literally,” stated Karen, leaning forward over what was left of her spaezel.
“The mullet was actually banned in Iran last year because it was too western.”
“Which is actually ironic because the Huns were reportedly from the region which is now Iran,” Deirdre added excitedly.
That was the piece of information that changed Karen’s mind about the hairstyle and prompted the couple to write their latest ebook now available online.
“Once I found out this, I became a true believer in the power of the mullet,” Karen said.
Karen and Deirdre clasped each other’s hand in unity over resolving their long standing argument. Karen Smythe now wears the hairstyle while Deirdre still wears her hair long, pulled back in a pony tail.
“It’s not my ideal look,” Karen stated, smoothing her short bangs to one side. “but until the ‘Arab Spring’ comes to Iran. I will wear my hair this way.”
The couple now agrees that the mullet is a very good hairstyle, albeit for very different reasons.