Despair… regroup… coming to terms… despair.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I wonder if losing custody is like facing a death of sorts.  Yesterday was the first day of this new custody arrangement.  I didn’t get to see my boys.  My partner kept me distracted.  We went to church and got a tremendous amount of support.  The homily was on when your faith is shaken lean on those around you who’s faith is strong and when your faith is strong be there for those who’s faith is shaken.  I believe that was written for me… I am sure many in the congregation felt the same way.  Yesterday, I leaned.  A lot.  I remember that feeling of anger and resolve I felt on Saturday.  I remember the utter despair I felt on Friday.  It seems like a cycle.  Today its back to despair.  I am sure there are those who think I brought it on myself.  That is an easy answer.  In some ways, I did.  I dared to live my truth.  Truth or consequences should actually be truth and consequences.  I know this will be a fight.  I know it is a fight that is worth it.  I would rather build my relationship with my children on truth than on a lie of who the world around me wants me to be or who it is used to what I once thought I was… If you are confused, you are not alone.  This is baffling for a whole lot of people.  I, however, am not one of them.

Finally, after 42 years, I know who I am.  As I go back through my history, I can see moments of where I had girl crushes but summed them up as something else.  After that summation, followed a physical ache in my chest, a crushing loneliness that felt like it would kill me.  I could never name it because I just couldn’t see it.  I thought I found a soul mate in a man who had his own loneliness to overcome.  We connected for awhile, and then we didn’t.  That soul crushing loneliness was pervasive.  Until I finally, finally, finally came to terms with being a lesbian did that loneliness vanish.  It was essential for me to discover who I am.  Booze couldn’t cover it up and not knowing made my depression worse.  I am finally free within myself.  Now, I am in a cage of a different sort.  I have that soul crushing loneliness again but for my boys.  Why must anyone ask me to choose my real self to share in a relationship with my boys or my boys themselves?  What world asks us to choose?  These are rhetorical.  You cannot answer my questions just as I cannot answer yours.

Since my spiritual journey brought me to the Episcopal Church, I have sought the truth about my relationship with God.  I have sought an authentic vision of myself.  There are many who have helped me on this journey that now I think must be horrified at what I have discovered.  Many think I am selfish.  I think it is selfish to live a lie just to preserve your own security.  I think that is selfish and wastes the lives and relationships of those around you.

I am “in for a penny in for a pound.”  I am walking this path for the right reasons.  I am being true to myself, to my children, to God.  I am walking this with so many other women who have that hole in their soul for missing their children.  I am walking that path toward wholeness toward a reunion in relationship with my boys.

Right now I am in the ashes.  I am waiting for the rising phoenix.  It hasn’t risen yet.  Today is a bad day.  I am going to the beach in a little while, and I am going to listen to the roar of the ocean and hope that is calms the roar in my heart.  Thank you for reading…

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