Thursday, September 15, 2011
Katydid Rockefeller, the New Dish for North Carolina Conservatives
Well, here we go. The last bastion of prejudice that good and decent people can have is about to be reinforced in North Carolina. Gay people can’t marry in North Carolina already, yet the legislature passed a bill to bring what is already banned to a public vote.
North Carolina’s unemployment surpasses that of the national average, yet the Assembly wasted its time on this?1 It is too bad they have to waste time limiting the rights of its citizenry rather than working on strategies to put people back to work or to help its people in any way at all. If legislating my ability to marry my partner, because it is not morally sanctioned by their read on our bible, then to avoid blatant hypocrisy, they cannot pick and choose their theology for their theocracy.
If this redundant Amendment One, SB 514 (or BS 514) is passed, then North Carolina is well on its way to becoming a state theocracy, but to be consistent with biblical text, our good legislators need to protect the citizenry from further harm that is rampant in this state and is clearly prohibited in the bible. There are 613 biblical laws that will need to be addressed by the legislature in order to prevent any perceived hypocrisy or blatant attack on the human rights of its citizens.
The legislators of North Carolina must address a profitable yet clear violation of biblical law and that is to eliminate the shellfish industry in North Carolina. They need to propose a state bill, BS 515, banning the sale, harvesting, consumption, import, export or in anyway enjoying or profiting from shellfish. There are clear moral guidelines that would eliminate shellfish from the state’s profit margin if the legislature is to be consistent with its moral stand. In Leviticus, you will find that there are a whole lot of things that God doesn’t like besides us gay folks and shellfish consumption is one of those things.
9“‘Of all the creatures living in the water of the seas and the streams you may eat any that have fins and scales. 10 But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales—whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water—you are to regard as unclean. 11 And since you are to regard them as unclean, you must not eat their meat; you must regard their carcasses as unclean. 12 Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be regarded as unclean by you.” Leviticus 9-12 (NIV)
If we are going to have a state that is morally forthright then kiss your Christmas oysters goodbye. Clams, mussels, shrimp and crab — they are out too. You can forget about calamari as well. Those do not fall under the dietary guidelines set out in Leviticus.
Why did those who are so apt to govern us in the tradition of the Old Testament let this slip by their regulation, but so steadfastly cling to another rule that is just a few chapters away (Lev 18:22)? Perhaps because oysters, clams and shrimp are yummy. Not just to our tummy’s but to our purses as well. Seafood is popular as well as profitable for North Carolina although it is morally reprehensible fare. In 2009 North Carolina coastal economies profited 255 million dollars from the seafood industry.2 That same year, 2.6 million of those dollars were attributed to the oyster harvest alone.3 North Carolina even licenses individuals to grow shellfish, it also leases ocean acreage for this reprehensible practice. In fact, North Carolina’s agricultural commission claims that the state is one of the most progressive states in regard to aquaculture.
There are over 250 individuals in the state who hold aquaculture leases for pond and tank operations. Almost 300 individuals hold leases to raise shellfish on the ocean floor.4 That’s nearly 550 individuals in North Carolina who are willfully engaging in acts that are offensive and morally wrong according to the North Carolina Assembly’s newly adjusted moral compass. Worse than that their actions encourage others to willfully stray from traditional moral values by selling their ill gotten gain to consumers in their own communities, across the state, all over the country and throughout the world.
This morally reprehensible industry does not just harm aquaculturists and harvesters, but restaurants, supermarkets, import and export corporations contribute to spreading immorality throughout our world. This industry has so infected our culture that even the church participates in unwittingly supporting this abomination by using the imagery of shellfish in one of its most sacred ceremonies. One of the symbols of baptism is the scallop shell. Some Churches even have the audacity to use an actual scallop shell to baptize the most innocent humans on earth. Infants are doused with water held in these unclean vessels in a ritual intended to cleanse that very same child.
Not only are there valid moral reasons to ban this industry, there is solid scientific evidence that shellfish are dangerous. The fact is this: shellfish can KILL people. These creatures are dangerous when consumed. There is a chance of shellfish poisoning every time you slurp down one of these gastronomic delicacies. They can cause illness, insanity and even death. There’s diarrheal shellfish poisoning, paralytic shellfish poisoning, amnesic shellfish poisoning, neurotoxic shellfish poisoning to name a few maladies caused by the consumption of shellfish. Neurotoxic shellfish poisoning is so dangerous that toxins can be suspended in the air, and a person can get sick just by breathing in the fumes created by diseased shellfish.5
Each person in the US eats an average of 15 pounds of seafood a year. In 2010, Americans spent over 80.2 billion dollars on fishery products.6 The problem of shellfish consumption is a national one. It is pervasive among all age groups, so protecting our young people from the dangers of shellfish is a battle in which our legislature must take an aggressive lead in protecting its citizens, especially when not facing it puts our youngest most innocent at the brink of the very decline of our civilization.
Once the shellfish ban is passed, North Carolina will need to retrain these errant aquaculturists and purveyors of unclean shellfish in order not to contribute to the already epidemic unemployment that plague’s the state.. Some would argue that these people cannot change their immoral behavior that they are just born this way. But as Dr. Marcus Bachmann’s practice has shown that just as with homosexuals, it is possible to “reorient” these unfortunates into a way of living that is more pleasing to God. Faith, prayer and psychological reconditioning can save these shellfish profiteers from their immoral pasts.
One way to replace the shellfish industry with one that would be sanctioned by these biblical moral guidelines is to develop the insect harvest. Our society can replace the forbidden fruits of the sea with the abundant fruits of the field. Locusts, for instance, are perfectly fine for a snack and they are morally sanctioned ones as well as found in Leviticus 11:22. “Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper.” (NIV) The benefits of eating bugs over the slugs of the ocean are numerous. They are high in protein and low in cholesterol. They are plentiful and do not stress the environment the way other sources of protein do.7
Most importantly, eating bugs is sanctioned by God, and there is diversity in the kind of bugs that are permitted for consumption. Many other cultures eat bugs, and our society would do well to reorient its culinary sins more to the liking of God as portrayed in the Old Testament. So when you long for an appetizer of Oyster’s Rockefeller, try some Katydid Rockefeller instead.
Once our morality is honed to this kind of legislation. Then the misdoings of the textile industry can be addressed. Cotton-blends must become a thing of the past. The legislature must stop the moral turpitude of the textile industry. Next will be to legislate those rouge hairstylists who insist on rounding the corners of our heads and shaping the beards of men. Also, the North Carolina Assembly must enforce the ban on those men who have had a testicle or two removed, either for fashionable reasons or to save their lives from cancer. This ban will make sure they do not worship in the church or temple. After that, the Assembly must bring back the blue laws and reintroduce stoning as the punishment for working on the Sabbath.
The tattoo and piercing industries must be driven out of the state as well, and anyone with a tattoo must submit to laser treatments to have them removed. This mandate will not only conform to North Carolina’s moral compass, but it will also shore up the burgeoning healthcare industry that the liberals have so tortuously dismantled. Finally and essentially, our legislature must protect its citizenry against those mercenary wives who would maim and shame a man battering her husband. Remember wives, it is essential that if your husband is being assaulted, under no circumstance must you harm the genitals of his assailant or your hand will be cut off as punishment.
What kind of a state do you want to live in?