Just as Thanksgiving celebrations came to an end, No-Shave November Celebrations ignited throughout the southeast. These parties celebrate the plucking out of unsightly facial hair to the removing of that European flare from under arms and legs that have accumulated since the sting of fall began to permeate the air.
Janie Jameson of Flint Rock stated that she had to shave before the Black Friday shopping marathon began in order to keep up with other shoppers. “It’s hard to speed shop with all that friction. I could hardly try on silk blouses competitively with all of that drag slowing me down.”
Sandy Stone said that she and her friends had a post Thanksgiving shaving celebration. “A good while after the pumpkin pie settled, we gathered in the upstairs spa tub and lathered up. Everyone took a brand new Venus out of the package and went to work. Mama only did her legs and pits but some of the others got a little carried away.”
Stone stated that her best girl-friend from high school went all out and shaved from top to bottom just like she was on the swim team. “She even gave herself a buzz cut right there in front of the vanity. She has always been a competitive shopper.”
“We got on our combat shopping outfits (sweat-suits Jane Lynch style and cross-trainers) and went to stand in line with our freshly shaved and tweezed, smooth bodies,” stated Jeri Adams, who had the idea of the shaving party in the first place.
“What better way to segue from No-Shave November into the festive season of getting. Right after giving thanks for all of the stuff we got last year, we remove all the hairy traces of our lazy Fall and get ready to combat consume with the enemy,” Adams went on to say that the enemy to which she was referring was other consumers.
When asked to comment on the advantages of excess body hair on Black Friday, especially when some combatants were packing mace to acquire the latest in video gaming accouterments. Adams stated that dish detergent was helpful in cleaning off mace and milk helped with the stinging.
Adams suggested that No-Shave November logically precedes Douche Bag December. “We should always give thanks before we prepare to get more stuff at any cost.”
Stone admitted that, “None of this has anything to do with celebrating Christmas or our relationships with each other or our spiritual connection to something greater than ourselves, but it does have everything to do with indulging in our own pathological need to consume.”
“But forty-percent off of a sixty-percent mark up is worth all the extra preparations,” Adams defended as her comrades nodded in enthusiastic agreement.