Surf City, NC — Local woman stated that the word “cosmapsuedical” is a dumb ass, made up word after hearing it used on an infomercial at 7AM, Saturday morning. Hannah McMartin rolled her eyes toward the sky and took a deep breath and then said, “Can’t these people just use the words that are already in the dictionary! Do they really have to make up words they think sound smart to give legitimacy to their products?”
Her partner of 27 years, Sarah Kosawalzki, put her arm around McMartin to calm her. She stated that McMartin has spent enough money on skin care products to supply the entire volunteer fire department with chili making ingredients for a whole year, so naturally she was upset by this infomercial.
Hannah was visibly agitated as she continued, “I mean why do they have to make up terms to make people think that their product is so good that the mere English language cannot handle it’s magnificence. Plus, they have to use twenty-something looking people to show off their smooth skin while they exclaim, ‘I am 87 but don’t look a day over 32!’ Well, lady, I would say that walker and those Velcro Dr. Scholls tell the tale!”
Kosawalzki explained that being a former Mullet Festival Princess back in 1963 and a retired English teacher, McMartin was naturally upset by the program. She stated that, years of fighting the use of ain’t, bitchin’ and ‘fur real’ as a question, has created post-traumatic stress symptoms in her long time partner, McMartin.
“We can’t get married which only effects our lives, but these yoyo’s can add words and phrases to our lexicon willy-nilly, altering the very essence of our language, and why is it cosmapsuetical anyway? Why not phrametic or physudo-cosmedic or phramacosmetic? It’s just a dumb ass, made up word and what’s with ‘infomercial’ anyway? Do we not even have time to say a whole sentence?”
At this point, McMartin’s partner Kosawalzki found an abandoned beach chair for McMartin to sit down. We stopped the interview while Kosawalzki monitored McMartin’s panic attack after she declined medical assistance from a near-by paramedic, who was on vacation from Grissettown.
Another couple passing by on their morning constitutional stated that they both agreed whole hearted with McMartin and added that throwing in foreign sounding knock-outs did not add to the product’s legitimacy. Jack Simpson of Lizard Lick, North Carolina said using British and Australian actresses to pitch these products just reinforced the idea that, “We Americans are too stupid to figure out these miracle cures for ourselves.”
Kosawalzki added that including the fast pitch softball player’s testimonial was the producer’s thinly veiled attempt to pander to the lesbian community. McMartin was too shaken to continue the interview but as she began her journey back to the beach house, she vowed to continue her fight against dumb ass, made up words.