Friday, March 11, 2011
I haven’t been very insightful lately thus no blog from me. The process of divorce is very difficult. It is easy to get swept away with emotion. I stood by friends and family during their ugly divorces. I tried to be faithful to them throughout the process. I went through to some degree the ups and downs, triumphs and setbacks, righteous indignations, depression, fear … . It is funny to see who will reciprocate and who will not. It is interesting to see the mettle of those close to you. You learn the character of others. You learn whose love is unconditional and whose is not.
Lately, I feel stripped down to just bare feeling. I know now why forgiveness is essential when you are hurt. If you can’t forgive or won’t forgive, your hurt leads you to uncharacteristic actions and you begin to do mean things to others because you feel justified. Then you start to do mean things because it becomes a habit of being. I see why forgiveness is essential. I am observing that those who won’t forgive start to become asses.
My partner and I went to see the priest about how to wade through this difficult time with some self-respect and dignity. He reinforced that being vindictive is a sure way to lose the respect of your children. It is easy to fall into the trap of vindictiveness. It is not so easy to be mindful enough to stay out of the trap. The trap gets ever so enticing the first time you realize the locks have been changed, and you are literally locked out of the lives of your children. It is hard not to want to be vindictive. It is hard not to throw a brick through the front window. But it is good not to. It is really, really good not to do it.
I try to hold onto the idea that in the end love is the most important thing. I will try to love those who aren’t acting very lovable right now. I try to remember that because people don’t agree with me doesn’t mean that they are intrinsically bad or wrong. When I am feeling defensive, it is easy to feel that they are bad or wrong.
For a long time I lived to try to please others. It drove me crazy and made me sick. Now, I try to be the person God made me. I am much happier being an openly gay person. I am happier not lying to myself. Trying to make others happy is just one way of living a lie. Being who you are will not make everyone happy. Making everyone happy is clearly not being who you are. Even Jesus pissed off a lot of people just by being who he was. I guess if we are to strive to live a Christ-like life, then pissing people off comes with the territory.
My partner and I have acknowledged that we didn’t do things the right way and in the right order. It seems to me that in asking for forgiveness we are not only trying to get it but also to accept it. Even though we have asked and some have refused to grant it, we have still put that acknowledgement of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time out there. We have said we are sorry. We have done our part.
We have also forgiven ourselves and each other. The priest welcomed us to the human race. Even though we have hurt others, we have been honest about it. We have tried to live rightly from here on out. We fall away from love as many times as we return to it. We try. The upside of screwing up is that we know what it is like to need forgiveness. There is no room for righteous indignation in a tarnished life. There is only room for compassion and love even for those who don’t even know us but still choose to hate us.
I still find it incredulous that there are those people in the world who hate us because of who we love. I still find it crazy that you can watch a thousand different ways to kill someone on prime time TV but show a woman kissing another woman and people start protesting the station. I guess the only way for me to do this is to try to live openly and honestly and with dignity. I will try to do the next right thing. What I won’t do is wallow in my mistakes and failings though there are those who wish that I would. Hair shirts do nothing for my complexion. I suppose this is an inelegant and rambling entry, but some days are like that.
Anyway, its been a bad couple of weeks. The details aren’t important. It’s just been a bad time. I continue to pray for healing for everyone. As always, thanks for reading.